Wow, how time flies. I thought it had been 6 months since I said I would write a follow-up blog on fear. But it has been 10 months. Not that 6 months is acceptable either so my apologies!
In my blog post about fear, I wrote that a deep chronic unease I had felt for as long as I remember is part of what led me into three depressions. I realized eventually that that feeling was actually fear. Fear that I would never live a life different than what I had. While that life was very safe, secure and enjoyable, I always felt there was something missing, I just did not know what. I came to realize that staying and living the same life forever, was not an option for me.
I guess my blog identity, is me writing, posting quotes and plugging great books that have helped me on my crazy journey. I am good with that, I hope you are, and you find this helpful.
While I was packing up to move to Mexico, I did a lot of thinking. Mostly, I thought about what I was leaving behind, which I knew, and what I was going towards which was the unknown. We fear the unknown naturally, but we do not have to. I started thinking about what I fear and realized that it is not a natural emotion for me. In my previous post (On Fear) I explained what I have come to understand as to why.
BUT, I realized that there was one thing that I truly feared, my biggest and only permanent fear. Relapsing into depression. Depression and especially being suicidal is the SCARIEST thing in the world. I will not get into that though. I have learned and grown so much because of my depressions that I would almost say that I would not change them if I could. There were really beautiful things that happened during those times, that could not have happened otherwise. And for those things, I am grateful.
Every depression I had was worse than the last. How I thought about relapse was exactly this. "I cannot have another depression, I can't survive another one". "If I have another depression, I will not survive". Those were my two thoughts when it came to the topic. So I lived in constant fear of it. When this hit me I was in a bit of shock. Also, I felt like if I live in constant fear of this, then it owns me whether I am currently experiencing it or not.
I felt like I had the proof ya know, like every depression is worse and every time the suicidal ideation is worse, so the math tells me, I will not survive another one. Logical. And while this was true, I was ignoring the other evidence completely. That I had said that and thought that after every depression, and had survived the next one, and the next one... and the next one (currently my last one).
So I decided to think this instead, "I probably am going to have another depression, and if I do I will survive".
1. I do not live in fear (YAY)
2. I live in the present and not in the future
3. This takes into consideration ALL the evidence
4. If I do have another one and I don't survive, at least I didn't waste my time and put energy into something that I could not worry my way out of anyways.
Because worry changes nothing about a situation, action and choices do. Worry only sucks your energy from other more effective, beautiful or valuable things in the moment. Worry keeps you in the future and steals from your now. Not worrying helps you stay in the present, which is the only guarantee we have.
I have gone on more than I thought I would have. Part of why it took so long between posts is because I did, in fact, have another depression. It was awful and I was on the edge but it was short (6 weeks instead of the 5 months of the previous one, that's progress). Before I had it I read an amazing book (here I go) called Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression and the Unexpected Solutions.
Depression is complex and different for everyone. I consider myself 'lucky' to have bouts of severe acute depression, instead of a mild or moderate chronic one. I consider myself lucky, because between the depressions I am able to enjoy life and to contribute to it to my fullest and to really feel what it is to be alive. People who have chronic depression do not get to experience that.
The reasons for depression, according to this book are many of the reasons that I left Vancouver for Mexico. And the solutions are what I have been working on here. Overcoming my fear about depression was imperative, but the work does not stop there. This book is invaluable, but will not gain in popularity as it should as it does not serve the status quo. If you suffer from depression or anxiety in any way and want a real look at why (that is not your fault) please read this. I will summarize it VERY soon in my next blog.
Be well, choose peace and fuck fear.
Until next time, from Sinergia Wellness.